Ever since I posted the Party School treatment people have been asking me do you only write comedies? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! To show all the haters what kinda range I’m dealing with, check out my new treatment for an action movie/father son drama DON’T. DRIVE. SLOW!!!

DONT DRIVE SLOW TREATMENT

Act 1

Dagger Dialdo just got out of prison for a crime he didn’t commit. He was imprisoned for killing a guy, even though he didn’t do it. EL SCORCHO BLANCA=A criminal guy set him up. (Dagger will kill a million people by the end of the movie in order to prove that he didn’t kill the guy, but it’s okay because he has good intentions). 

Dagger gets out of prison and it’s like:

BOOOOOOOM!

The bad guys are after him! He’s at a KFC (willing to change franchise location for max $$$) and these bad guys come to kill him! So he puts their faces in the deep fryer and starts to run, then looks back at the guys face in the deep fryer and is like “Yum. Wish I had time to dine! But I just ate. Perhaps I will do as the Romans did; barf and shit. Empty stomach. Second meal.” He thinks about it. “Naaaaaah.” You think he’s gonna run off to safety, right?

NOOOOOOOOOO.

HE HAS TO PICK UP HIS KID FROM SCHOOL, which SUCKS because OBVIOUSLY bad guys are looking for him and he should focus on hiding! But his wife won’t stop bitching, even though he JUST GOT OUT OF PRISON, and he is in TROUBLE, but NOOOOOOO, she doesn’t listen, if it wasn’t her idea it’s not a good idea, and she’s like “I’ve been busting my balls trying to take care of this kid…” and it’s Like WHAT!? AND I’M NOT? So unfair. 

So he picks up his son GEOFFREY who is SO. NERDY. He’s 12 and is still a virgin. He likes anime and computers. Right when Dagger picks his son up though, more bad guys follow him! Dagger’s like “FUUUUUUCK WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO HIGH TAIL IT” So he speeds out.

BUT THEN! A cop is like “Fuck that guy’s speeding in a school zone. Ticky ticky boom time (‘time to give out a ticket’)” and starts chasing him to give a ticket for speeding in school zone. 

Geoffrey, being a little bitch, goes “Dad-the sign says drive slow!” But bad guys are chasing and shooting at him so Dagger goes, “Do you wanna live?” “DUH” “Well then…we’re gonna have to make sure we DON’T DRIVE SLOW”

AND THEN WE FREEZE FRAME ON A SHOT OF THE SIGN THAT SAYS DRIVE SLOW AND (USING PHOTOSHOP) THE WORD “DON’T” COMES ON AND IT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS SPRAY PAINTED ON. AND THEN THE IMAGES SHATTERS LIKE GLASS, LIKE WHEN STONE COLD USED TO ENTER A MATCH (same music depending on how much rights cost. Alt track “I stand alone”-Godsmack). 

Act 2

Dagger is all “We can’t stop.” Geoffrey makes a pussy fart sound out of his mouth and goes “Where are we going?” Dagger “To find the guy who sent them”. More guys keep shooting at them. 

SO.

MANY. 

EXPLOSIONS!!!

For once Geoffrey is useful and has an idea. Using computers, he hacks into one of the bad guys GPS systems and figure out where they were coming from. So then they turn around and drive OVER THE BAD GUYS!

Meanwhile the cops are now also chasing Dagger. 

A SWAT team helicopter shows up and tries to shoot rocket launchers at Dagger, but he is smart AND strong so he takes Geoffrey’s Gameboy and throws it in the helicopter’s blades and IT BLOWS UP.

Death toll: 78. 

Act 3

Dagger arrives at the castle of the main bad guy El Scorcho Blancha, but right as they show up EL SCHORCHO BLANCHA DRIVES OFF IN A HUMMER HELICOPTER (will need Research and D for this. Like a hummer that flies four feet off the ground). Looks like Dagger is gonna have to…

KEEP.

DRIVING.

FAST!

AND make sure he 

DONT. 

DRIVE.

SLOW!!!!

Geoffrey is helpful. He comes up with an idea.

BUT…

In order to do it Geoffrey is going to have to drive the car, while Dagger jumps into El Scorcho Blancha’s hummer helicopter. “SO?” Dagger says.

“I Don’t know how to drive. YOU NEVER TAUGHT ME.” Close up on Geoffrey’s single tear. Pan to see DAGGER ALSO CRYING. MORE THAN GEOFFREY!!!!!

“Well then…I guess I gotta take a break from playing superhero…and take a turn playing DAD.”

Dagger teaches Geoffrey how to drive and it’s super emotional (MUSIC CUE PETER GABRIEL ‘SOLSBOROUGH HILL’/’CATS IN THE CRADLE’/’I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU’). 

Geoffrey learsn to drive so good so Dagger jumps in the car and kills El Scorcho Blancha with his own weapon: a fire sword. 

THEY FINALLY DRIVE SLOW!!!

The cops see that El Schorcho Blancha was in the car and go “OOOOOOOOOOH” and are like “Well then, I guess we can forgive the speeding ticket!” They also open El Scorcho’s cell phone and see a video of EL SCORCHO KILLING THE GUY THEY THOUGHT DAGGER KILLED! 

TWO MONTHS LATER: Dagger goes on Leno and they show the video and EVERYONE LAUGHS! Then Geoffrey gets to play keyboard with the band and does the organ solo from “Roundabout”. Girls are like WHOA and during a commercial break Dagger tosses Geoffrey a condom. Geoffrey’s like “What do I do with this” and Dagger is like “Smart kid like you? You’ll figure it out!”

Geoffrey fucks two girls over credits. 

Death toll: 99.