“Lunch”
Written and Drawn by JZT
How was everybody’s lunch?
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6 Post Grad Plans Translated -
I wrote and drew an article for Funny Or Die. It’s on the front page. Check it out!
Check this out hombres!
I wrote a new article for Funny or Die. It’s on the front page.
“What Are You Afraid Of?”
Written and Drawn by JZT
“Favorite Sex Positions”
Written and Drawn by JZT
The character on the left is modelled after Kevin Steen. My hope is that this leads to a feud with Kevin Steen.
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You get it.
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“Post Coital”
Written and Drawn by JZT
This happened once.
My little sister, Cristina, turns 22 in less than 4 hours. For the next 4 months or so, we’re only a year apart. The closest of any of the girls in my family.
On Wednesday, Cristina will finish highschool for good. Though she walked the stage with her classmates in 2009 (something we had to fight for), TX allows kids with special needs to attend school until they’re 22.
Thank you, Cristina, for calling me every single school day promptly at 4 and again at your bed time, not stopping until I pick up. Even if it’s just for the same 10 word conversation we have every time ending in “I love you! Bye!!” In the weirdest voices we can muster.
Thank you for always being there. An ear to talk to and a hug to squeeze. I like to believe you completely understand everything I tell you, although I’ll never know. I appreciate your confidentiality.
I don’t think I’d be capable of love without having you in my life.
I am SO proud of everything you are.
I love you more than my heart can hold. Happy 22nd Birthday, Beaner.
Just the sweetest.
“Mind Games”
Written and Drawn by JZT
Both sides now am I right?
Dear friends and select family members,
Thank you for meeting me here for what is likely to be my last meal in public. I apologize for the parking miscommunication. It was my understanding that this dining establishment would validate. I have been informed this is not the case, though I am also told this dining establishment feels so bad about the miscommunication they have offered to waive the fee for unlimited bread sticks, and will instead be offering us unlimited bread sticks throughout the night, at no additional fee. By no means will this make up for the fees on Uncle Cameron’s towed vehicle, but it is quite generous nonetheless.
I have gathered you all here to inform you of my post graduation plans. While my plan is not completely finalized, this dining establishment has a very tight schedule. I asked if I could postpone this meal by two weeks. They informed me they are booked through August, at which point I had intended to be knee deep in my plan. I chose to keep the reservation, and present the plan as it is, not quite fully formed, but vivid enough to present to the public.
I am no mathematician. I never claimed to be. I never aspired to be. But-gun to my head-I would estimate the plan is roughly 70% complete, give or take 3%.
I now turn to the overhead projector.
On this projector, which I believe you can all see, I have a JPEG of the Wikipedia page for Log Cabins. This is step one of the Plan. I have decided to escape from society. My first step is to read the Wikipedia page for log cabins. Due to numerous complications (graduation, finals, various last minute preparations, relationships, etc) I have not been able to finish this Wikipedia page. But I have read-again, I never claimed to be a mathematician-60% of the article.
My intention is to escape society, build a log cabin, and live the rest of my life in said cabin.
Looking around the room, I see concerned and questioning glances. “How do you plan to build a log cabin?”, Aunt Louise’s darting eyes confess. Good question, Aunt Louise. And while we’re on the topic of Aunt Louise, congrats on the Biopsy results. We’re all very relieved.
First, I plan to finish the Wikipedia Page for Lob Cabins; specifically the section marked “how to build a log cabin”.
Next up on the projector: a pile of wood.
This is a pile of wood. I bought this wood. I believe this should be enough wood to build a cabin. Again, as I have not finished the Wikipedia Page for Log Cabins, I do not know with-and again, I am not and never will be a mathematician, no matter how much my mom and Cousin Cameron beg of me-100% certainty if this is enough wood to build a log cabin, or even a dog house.
Though if it were enough wood to build a dog house, I would consider contemplating living in the dog house for the time being, until I can gather more wood to build a bigger log cabin. Because really, what is a “dog house” but a “small house”, or a “House for a Dog”? A dog can live in a human house, can he not? How do you define a house? By the size, or by who lives in the house? Ants and rats can live in a Human House, but we don’t call them “Ant Houses” or “Rat Houses”. I’m sure certain people, such as children and dwarves, would feel much more comfortable in a Dog House than a Human House, or log cabin. It’s more proportionally accurate.
There is also a good chance that, in the event that I do not need to dismantle the dog house for wood, I will purchase a puppy and raise him in the dog house.
At the moment, the puppy is not a vivid reality or realistic goal. Though I very much hope it to become more than a pipe dream.
It is also my belief, through my cursory glance at the Wikipedia Page for Hunting, that a dog could be of assistance, in terms of Hunting.
Up next on the projector-an axe. I am now passing around an axe. Please do not hog the axe. We are very short on time, and it is important that everyone gets to hold the axe. I do not want to name names, but Mom and Cousin Skinner, I love you both very much, but you have a history of taking far too long.
This axe will serve many purposes in my plan-both as a tool and as a weapon. As a tool, I will use the axe to cut down trees, which will be used to build the log cabin. As a weapon, I will use the axe to fend off enemies, such as but not limited to: Banshees, wild animals, homicidal maniacs, escaped mental patients, transcendentalist philosophers roaming the woods seeking inspiration for novels, poems and essays, parking lot attendees, owls, hawks, industrialists, parking lot attendees, teenagers tripping on acid, evil indian spirits, good indian spirits, and other such foes.
I see a look of concern on the faces of the family’s gun enthusiasts. I imagine you are thinking, “why not buy a rifle?”
While I wish it were simple enough that I could just buy a rifle, the reality is far more complicated. My answer contains two parts:
1) I do not have enough financial capital to buy a lifetime supply of bullets. I also do not plan on ever returning to society again, which is what I would need to do if I ran out of bullets and needed to buy more bullets in town. Also, I would not be making money in the woods, so I would have nothing to pay for new bullets with. I would be forced to resort to stealing or fighting for bullets; my goal is to only use violence when absolutely necessary. No, there is a good chance a gun would ultimately leave me powerless in the savage yet tamable woods.
2) I failed the mental health portion of the gun test.
An axe is the perfect weapon for me.
I would love to continue, and elaborate further on the Plan, but our server Martin has informed me that the Pasta Fagioli is ready. Who ordered the Pasta Fagioli? Cousin Stacey I believe, right Cousin Stacey? Yes. Cousin Stacey ordered the pasta Fagioli, Martin. She’s the blonde in the blue tube-top. The blonde in the blue tube-top on the right, no the left. I know it’s confusing, they’re twins.
The rest of our entrees should arrive shortly. I hope Cousin Stacey has the decency to wait for our food to arrive before she digs in-nope. There she goes. Classic Stace.
This will conclude my presentation of the Plan. I would love to sit and chat with you all, and discuss my plan one on one, but I have just received a text message that my presence is requested at a grad party downtown. I have been informed they are doing body shots, and the DJ is pretty good. He’s not great, but he knows that. It’s not too loud either.
Thank you all very much and for coming, and please, tip your waiters.
“Update On the Sandwich Situation”
Written and Drawn by JZT
I like this comic!